26 Jan Braided No More
I’ve been having a rough go of it. Yesterday I finally started feeling like I could exhale. Today, I finally feel sane.
Healing is no joke. Physically, I haven’t been feeling safe in my body. My emotions have been all over the place. Spirit has been slamming all doors and blocking all escape routes – meaning as much as my PTSD screams at me to run, to fight, to hide, to escape – Great Spirit said, “Sit. Feel. Deal. Now Heal.”
My anxiety has given rise to panic attacks, emotional outbursts, rage, sobbing ugly-cry tears, and something that reminded me of a 2-year old tantrum…
I’ve been feeling energetically, “heavy.” And it’s been hard because this is when I usually need to dance, walk, run, hike – whatever – to move energy. Well since I’m on shower restrictions and am not supposed to “break a sweat,” the energy in my body has been making me feel like I’m going to combust – triggering my PTSD and anxiety – and well – it’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve allowed myself to swamp, to wallow, and to feel sorry for myself and acknowledge that right now, this phase of growth – SUCKS – but is also exactly what I asked for and what I need – what I want. I did ask Great Spirit, “By any means necessary.” And I’m committed to whatever that means.
So despite the physical stuff, the not being able to be independent, the feeling like a caged bird, a helpless wounded bird – which has made me all self-judgey and critical as I LOATHE feeling “weak,” the nicotine withdrawal (I’ve now got 6 days of no smoking under my belt) – I do actually feel like I’m coming out the other side. Hills and Valleys.
And I’ve felt something major shift. Actually – many somethings. This is growth. This is birth. This is death, destruction, and creation. This is life. This is being alive. And I am grateful for it all…
I am a spiritual creature having a very humbling human experience.
So, yesterday, I decided to do a thing. I cut off almost 12″ of hair. Traditionally, many Native Americans cut their hair when there is a death in their immediate family. Its an outward symbol of the deep sadness, grief, and a physical reminder of the loss. The cut hair represents the time with their loved one, which is over and gone, and the new growth is the life after.
The cutting of hair can also signify separating from past actions or thoughts. When a Native American cuts their hair, the hair is often treated with respect. It can be placed into a flowing river, buried, or burned.
Many Native Americans tribes believe hair is connected to the nervous system. That long hair reaches out like tentacles, and pulls energy and information from the world around us similar to a cat’s whiskers…
So I cut my hair. New beginnings. I needed to let go of the weight and energy that had grown to my butt over the past many years. I needed to cut for the grief and loss I’ve carried. I needed to release old, negative, and stuck energy. And I needed to burn my hair in ceremony. I needed to physically and symbolically watch it all go up in flames. And I feel so much lighter because of it!
“I believe there is a force in this world that lives beneath the surface, something primitive and wild that awakens when you need an extra push just to survive, like wildflowers that bloom after fire turns the forest black. Most people are afraid of it, and keep it buried deep inside themselves. But there will always be a few people who have the courage to love what is untamed inside us.” – ‘Flicka‘ Movie Quote
📸 I don’t know what happened with the Snap filter but think it’s really cool that it gave me one blue eye and one eye with my “real” eye color – which looks almost amber in the sunlight.