Deep Dive

Last night I sunk in and started dealing with some recent deep triggers. One of the greatest things I have learned is that the “story” (or person or thing) that we tend to want to “blame” for the trigger – is just that – a trigger. Go deeper. Because it’s not really the “story” (or person or thing) that we’re upset with. It’s not really “them” that we’re pissed at. If we can drop in, we can find the *treasure* which is usually a wound in a well that runs deep.
*I am not speaking to abuse or systematic injustice here*
It’s interesting how the mind moves to protect us from deeply feeling a wound. It’s easier to “process” that way (placing blame vs taking responsibility – because truly, our emotions are our own). Our minds are NOT where the true magic of healing happens. Healing is never done through the mind – only the heart.
So last night I dropped into the trigger and realized I wasn’t really even upset about what I originally thought I was upset about. It went much, much deeper than that and was *really* about childhood core wounds that traveled the road of unwanted, rejected, needy (codependent), and abandoned and I held space for myself to feel it all.
I awoke from a dream this morning feeling angry, crying, and feeling frustrated and unheard. The dream was of someone I used to literally consider family and I was feeling all the pain in how I felt discarded – again, realizing all the blame I’ve held towards this person over the years and finding it was never really about *them.*
[Although I still find it so weird that we can get so close to people – be it relationships or friendships – for YEARS – only to later become virtual strangers. It brings up a grief in me that goes beyond death because they are still in the living. Meaning they didn’t leave because they died. They left because they decided to. Because they wanted to. They left because they chose to. And visa versa – when I’ve left a relationship or friendship behind. And it hurts because it’s rejection. Which again, is another “story.” Going deeper, the core wounds of “unlovable” and “unworthy” – “not good enough” arise. If ONLY we could actually identify that we were no longer an energetic match, maybe it would hurt less? Either way, the deeper wound that needs to be healed here is how we feel about ourselves. This is our shadow. The parts we hide. Processing and accepting these parts is crucial to healing.]
Dreams hold so much wisdom about the things we’ve desperately tried to repress.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, when you’re feeling *all the feels* do your best to stray from pointing fingers and placing blame. Drop in deeper. Pull it into your body and see where it lands. Identify the *emotion* that is being triggered.
My process went something like this: I am mad at so-and-so because (insert story)…
How did that make me feel? (Identify emotion).
Why did it make me feel like that? (Remove the “story,” pull it through my body sinking in deeper).
Because it reminds me of X,Y,Z (insert another story).
How are the 2 related? How did that make me feel? (Identify emotion).
Why did it make me feel like that? (Remove the “story,” pull it through my body sinking in deeper).
And I had to do this again and again as story after story came up until I could clear the “stories” enough to to REALLY identify what I was ACTUALLY feeling. Which all came back to the wounded child. I held space for her to really FEEL the underlying emotions which allowed me to release the “stories” and placing external blame.
And it’s layer by precious layer.
Once I processed the “recent trigger,” my subconscious brought up a similar “story” that I’ve held on too for far too many years through my subconscious in the form of a dream. So that when I woke, I realized this is another area wanting to receive forgiveness and healing because again, it was never really about *them.*
📸 Emotions & Feelings Wheel | The Junto Institute
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