Lady Trickster. Let’s Call Her Grief

The Lady Trickster in my life, well, I shall call her grief. When the sun shines brightly and the birds sing, she cunningly leads me to the shadows. These are moments I hate and love all in the same breath.

Today she found me in the shower and brought me to my knees- eyes swimming with tears. See when my Momma passed in 2014, I quite literally lost my mind. Too much pain surfaced and drowned me in sorrow. In the dark confined cave in my mind I found myself caught in a loop naming all of the injuries that had occurred in this life: abuse, mental illness, orphan, loss, rape, breast surgeries, scars, and self hate. I thought of all who had passed through my life- those who loved, those who used, those who abused, those who hurt, and the many who have passed. I cried for the child that grew in my womb but never made it to my arms. I cried for my Mother and wished for a different past.

It took me a long, long time to claw my way- flesh, blood, and tears- out of the darkness and find my way back to the light. The lessons I learned along the way were teachers- not of flesh but of the soul. I emerged a new and different woman.

And then June 13, 2016 I lost my sweet, sweet Father from this life. Scared to lose myself to grief once more, I have only allowed myself to grieve a bit each day as not to be swallowed again, whole.

But today, today this dark Trickster made me face the shadow and while I could not escape the pain or flood of tears that followed- it all became so clear. It’s ok to take comfort in the shadows and to hide there for a time. After all, we mourn for the loss of their lives, who they were, and must face each day knowing we will not see them again in the flesh, no longer be able to have discussions, exchange recipes, have arguments, feel their embrace, or any of that anymore…

It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to hurt. It’s also perfectly fine to dance and laugh- it doesn’t mean we have forgotten. In means we have discovered the truth of this life…

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