17 Oct The Autumn of My Life | An Existential Crisis of Faith
“If a year was tucked inside of a clock, then autumn would be the magic hour.” – Victoria Erickson
I feel myself turning inward as autumn arrives and displays her majestic hues – the reds, the greens, yellows, and earth tones. Even the light has changed – casting gold, orange, and cotton candy skies – illuminating the time just before dusk and dawn.
Tis the season of shedding and letting go.
This year, I let go of so many things. I let go of my pain, my sorrow, my self-judgement. I let go of my need to please and placate. I let go of putting others needs before my own.
I let go of co-dependency and people pleasing. I let go of certain fears – namely, rejection, not good enough, and abandonment.
I let go of hatred that has burned in my belly since I was but a child. I let go of my anger. I laid down my arms and surrendered my sword and my shield.
I let go of all the stories – so many stories – about who I am, who I want to be, who I should be, and the dreams of who I will one day become.
I let go of my masks and identities and trauma. I watched, helplessly, as my ego struggled time and time again just to remain alive.
In its place, I found surrender. I found acceptance. I found presence. I found peace. I found love. Real, unconditional love.
I’ve also died a million deaths over the course of ten months. And yet, I found myself in a place of pure magic. I was one with Spirit and Spirit was one with me.
My gifts weren’t just emerging but, rather, showing up time and time again in a capacity that blew even my own mind. I was excited. I was on fire. I was aligned. Until I wasn’t.
Let me explain.
I am the woman who was raised Seventh-day Adventist. I am the woman who has swam in the depths of the spirituality. I know my bible frontwards and backwards.
I am not, however, religious, in any way, shape, or form.
I’ve studied most major religions and my background is heavily influenced in and by mythology and metaphysical theology.
I am an Ordained Minister.
Several months ago, when Spirit whispered in my ear, “Do a metaphysical bible study,” I was apprehensive, but also, really excited.
Apprehensive, because I stopped calling myself Christian a long time ago. After studying mythology and theology – I knew in my heart that Christianity was born from Paganism. All the same characters and principals are there – just disguised as something different and a lot more righteous (to some).
Excited because I could once again see the value of the bible and the ways in which everything I’ve learned, is all right there. Everything from manifesting to faith to belief to being supported by the unknown. I’ve experienced it all and I knew this could be a gamechanger.
However, Spirit would not, despite my pleading, allow me to move forward with the metaphysical bible study until I completed three tasks.
I did as commanded and now, now I sit with what I know.
Which is that I haven’t known much at all. (My ego was completely destroyed and abolished in this process and I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss her. That I don’t need her. I finally understand why we need our ego and what its purpose is).
I’ve been sitting in the destruction. Inhaling the remnants of smoke and fire. Mangled and bloodied – feeling it all.
And now, now She’s ready to rise. She’s ready to speak as knees shake and the world crumbles beneath her feet.
Because it’s time. It’s time to create a new paradigm. It’s time for a fresh start and a new beginning. It’s time to rise and speak Her truth which is My truth.
No matter how terrifying.
It’s time to rise and speak and proclaim – though my truth is now a freshly born babe, swaddled close to my heart. She is unblemished and new. And She looks nothing like the beliefs that have carried my heart for 42 years.
It’s a concept and a trend and a movement I’ve been a part of for almost ten years. And most of it is fucking bullshit.
There. I said it. Whew. Lightening did NOT strike.
Listen, spirituality has its place. It has its importance. It likely is what got me through the last ten years as they have been quite brutal. Though I now question if it was the concept of spirituality (belief) that got me through or if it was simply faith and hope.
And is there a difference?
Spirituality brought me community and through that community, I learned to feel all the things. Through Spirituality, I healed.
Spirituality and “Spirit” has been the air and the food and the drink and the everything. It has nourished me and sustained me. It opened doors and allowed me insights to help others heal.
Spirituality became the magic I spent my entire life searching for.
That is, until I fulfilled the tasks as requested by Spirit.
Because in that process I learned that the bible, the sacred text of God, was not so sacred after all. It was compiled by those who were in power and who had an agenda.
I learned the languages of Hebrew and Greek and met with a Rabbi for the first time in my life.
I learned that Hebrew does not have capital letters separate from lower case letters, vowels, nor punctuation. I learned about how certain books were chosen [the biblical canon] and others discarded [Nag Hammadi]. I learned that the New Testament is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy and that the original manuscripts no longer exist.
I learned that most scholars and theologians and religious leaders already know a truth I’ve only just discovered. I’ve learned, sadly, that we are still deeply immersed in the Dark Ages.
I learned how the word Elohim is plural for the word god.
I learned that religion began as a henotheistic religion – not a monotheistic religion. Meaning in the beginning, our ancestors knew there wasn’t just one god but rather, many.
The Venetian or Canaanites chose a god (one god) from the Elohim (many gods) and they created a covenant – he would be their god and they, his people.
After learning this – I spiraled out – hard core. All the questions. So many questions.
When I pray – who am I praying to? Is it the god of the Canaanites that hears my prayers? What about the other gods? Do I get to choose my god? Or am I bound by the covenant of the Canaanites?
Creation – what was the point? Were we, in fact, created by the Anunnaki to mine gold? Moreover, if humans were created in the image of god, are we not, in fact, gods ourselves [Kabbalah]? Given the power to interact with Divine Intelligence? And what is that intelligence, exactly? Is it simply energy?
And what about faith? Who am I putting my faith in?
It seems the more I learn, the more questions I have. And I don’t know what to do with any of it.
So, instead of continuing my work in the world as an Ordained Minister and Spiritual Leader – I’ve found myself stepping back and voyaging through my imagination – inspired to create worlds and write them all to life.
Because this is where I am happiest and most aligned. For above all else, writing has always been the purpose of my soul. Or do we have a “purpose”? One set destiny? Something we each, individually, are to accomplish? (Maybe the the Moirai and the Norns control our fate after all)?
Or is life simply a matter of choice and experience? Do we try to give it meaning because our pain, our joy, our love – needs to mean something? Or do we simply exist to exist and maybe what matters isn’t what came before or what comes after – but rather, what is happening in this moment here and now? And we’re missing it all because we’re either stuck in the past or dreaming of the future?
Is this moment, this second, this brief window of time the point of life? Is this the meaning and the sum and the totality of it all?
Because in all this learning – I also learned that the concepts of good and bad – right or wrong – are all man-made concepts. The truth of life: there’s simply what you do or don’t do. It’s all just an experience, anyway. Now, when we add in Universal Laws (like the law of cause and effect), we may choose differently due to consequence. But it still doesn’t give it additional meaning one way or another.
So what does this mean for me in regards to spirituality? Did I just become Agnostic? What do I do with this information if I don’t even know what I believe anymore? Do I continue on a path of spirituality that has brought me life and healing and magic? Or do I embrace my corporeal human and hedonistic ways worshiping the land of my ancestors – returning to all that is primal and wild within?
More importantly – does any of it really matter? Did it ever matter? And what do I do with the void left within my heart?