26 Jun Wanderlust
I’ve been feeling restless. A large cat taken from the wild and put into captivity. I long to stretch concave and arch my back and roam and chase – if nothing but for the simple pleasure of the hunt. I feel like a bird whose wings just got clipped; cage of steel and iron forcing me to BE HERE NOW. And while this everlasting presence is what ignites my soul – I am longing for a different view. A new landscape for my Wild Self to come alive with quickened breath and racing heart; soaring high above the mountains edge. For right now – in this moment – it means it feels I’m swimming in limbo (which ironically is beginning to feel a bit like purgatory). I’m stuck somewhere in-between…
And this ache and need and want is starting to overshadow all aspects of my life – my being. After going through (what I now lovingly call) my mortality scare – I’ve been getting real, raw, and uncut with the notion of self. I no longer want to coach. I no longer want to combine massage in with my beloved reiki practice. I don’t want to revamp or rewrite someone’s resume. No, I want simplicity, joy, and adventure – raspberry stained lips and hair full of ocean, wind, and sand. Mouth full of sky and mind filled with wonder. I want to write poetry while watching a seagull in flight; a haiku at midnight listening to waves and dolphin sighs amidst shallow breaths of dream time. I long for rolling hills of purple and white, strawberries and sun-kissed skin. I want to lay in the back of His truck stargazing and memorizing His face – the way His eyes crinkle at the edges of life laughed and lived, the mischievous gleam of a joke untold, eyes glistening with pride and love and overwhelm – the way His hand folds so gently over mine…
I want to chase butterflies through fields full of daisy, play peak-a-boo with the sunlight as it dances through the trees. I want to smell the Pine, dance through the Redwoods, and lick sap from a Maple tree. I want to hug a mighty Oak feeling the presence of the ancestors and druids there. I need to lick desire and freedom from my own fingertips and suckle the sweet honey and nectar of Gaia. I’ve had this dream too many times throughout my life: wilderness meets wanderlust and the only way to feed Her hunger and quench Her thirst is to surrender to Her demands and vanquish the notion that I am somehow in control. For when the Wild One calls – she consumes me and devours me whole.
I spent so many years learning, teaching, revamping, healing – and yet so much of that was conceptual – intellectual. Now I am in the process of embodying and moving out of my head into my heart. I’m learning to lean in and surrender and integrate. It feels like I’m no longer in the process of becoming (although sometimes I do wonder if this will always be my perpetual state of being) but more than that – now I simply am that I AM.
And what I Am (more than anything) is grateful for this life. These last few months have given me opportunity to reclaim my sovereignty as I return home to myself. Maybe it’s with fresh eyes that I’m feeling a need to travel and experience the world one smile, one heart beat, and one tear at a time. I’m longing for lush green lands, grottos, villas, vino…paradise and the sea.
And I have been playing at writing again. Bleeding black ink onto pages of white; breathing heart and magic and soul into words – watching them unfurl and breathe and come to life; getting naked on paper. I have three books that have planted their seed – which is infinitely funny once I realized how much work and inspiration and desire these ideas actually need to grow and come to life. When it begins to feel daunting – I put it away hoping the inner dialogue will return once I am released from the fifth circle of hell. (I had an energetic clearing done last week and was shown how much anger I’ve held inside that has festered and festered and oozed – who knew?! Anger is an emotion I’ll never quite understand with vengeance and hate as close seconds).
Meanwhile, I have updated my service menu to what feels good and right and true to who I am and the offerings I want to birth into being. Some have been there for quite some time and some are brand new – others still in the dream. Yet all of them are offerings that have bloomed within my soul.
I’m committing to writing one new blog post per week. I’ve gotten lazy. So here is to fresh starts and new beginnings.
Oh, and did I mention all the psychic intuitive classes I’m currently taking as well as mastering my favorite tool of divination; tarot? Very soon I will be opening a link on Facebook to have a go at public readings. Spirit has been opening my gifts: my cognizance, my awareness, my ‘Clairs’… and it’s been amazing. I’ve built a brand new relationship with nature and animals which in turn has given me different perspective when it comes to the human variety. I see the way lines run parallel between grace and greed and how it shows up as sickness and disease. If we would simply honor the Mother – she, too, would welcome us with open sanctuary. I look forward to sharing these insights with you. The deeper our connection to Her – the deeper our connection to Source – the deeper our connection to Self.
So, please feel free to have a look around. Email me with inquiries or questions – or just to say, “Hi.” (Yes, I like those too). I look forward to having another conversation next week. Until next time…