28 Dec What Dreams May Come

This morning we woke up before dawn. Best feeling in the world. It’s cold and crisp outside. The goal: to get in one last day of fishing. Something we haven’t done in awhile, but something I desperately needed to do. We bundled up, drinking extra hot coffee and arrived at Collins Lake just as the sun was starting to rise and chase away the darkness of night. We hurried to put our poles out with a sense of childlike excitement.

Every year we do a fishing competition between us. He has won for the past two years. This year, we are tied. Today is meant to be the tie breaker. It’s been a long time since I have cast my poles. This is my church. This is my sanctuary.

It’s been a rough year: the miscarriage, losing my job, the loss of a best friend, my grandma passing away – my mom’s passing. This year has broke my spirit. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever feel whole again.

Every morning, I make it a priority to list and count my blessings. I think it’s important to remember the good things. And my love, my handsome. He is my rock and my fortress. I think he knows and understands my defeat in a way no one else ever could. He has not left my side; not even once. He has been the torch guiding me through this. When I get too lost in the dark, I can always seem to find my way back with the sound of his voice or the gentle touch of his hand. And today, today, he took me fishing. He brought me to sanctuary.

By 9:00am I had already caught two fish. I was now in the lead. How did I not love fishing when I was little and dad took us?! Oh the thrill of seeing the tug on the line, watching the bobber dance…it’s exhilarating. My soul is happy and today, my smile is genuine. It’s not a response or reaction induced by the medication the Psychiatrist put me on. That only makes me feel like a zombie anyway. This is true, over the moon, happiness. I needed this so desperately. God, I love this man.

Here are my 2015 resolutions (or at least the things my heart desires):

This year I desperately want and long to travel. I want to go on road trips down the coast. I want to revisit Big Sur. I want to see Carmel and Monterey. I want to make love under an aquarium. I want to go back to Bodega Bay. I want to go crabbing. I want to go to Richmond and feel the thrill of midnight fishing in the cold damp sea air. I want a night of catching sharks and sting rays. I want to explore and find a Japanese Float made of green glass art that has traveled across seas and ocean tides.

I want to go to Indonesia and be blessed by Buddhist monks. I want to kneel in their temples and receive a Phoenix tattoo down my right thigh- where they tap in the ink; the sacrifice of self for a blessing. I want to watch lanterns light up across the water and ride in a hand crafted wooden boat. I want to see lotus flowers and prayer beads: mandalas and prayer wheels. I want to journey to Tibet. I want to go to Bali and journey to a meditation garden and watch the sacred monkeys play. I want to see turquoise waters and swim at Turtle Bay.

I have an inherent need to release and free my soul. My spirit needs to soar. I am a great and mighty eagle. I want to renounce the God I was raised to believe in and trust. Unanswered prayers make people weak. I want to believe in a Mother Earth and Father Time that are eternal. Gaia. Buddha. God. They are all the same. From the earth came our ancestors and back to the earth they have returned. The ground holds all of the secrets of the ancients. Water and Fire: They sustain me. They rejuvenate me and make me whole. I get lost in the awe and wonder of the Universe. Nature: Something powerful enough to kill and yet it can be so calming and serene. This is something that cannot be contained or tamed. Life always finds a way. Wild flowers.

I want to live my life like a nomad; harvesting our life from the earth. Everything we do and create will be to create for each other. Live in a caravan and have a sense of community. I want to forge my life with my own two hands. I want to run barefoot through the forest chasing butterflies. I want to lay in a field of sunflowers watching the clouds pass by…