Winter of My Soul

Life sure can seem to have its own sense of humor in the not so funny of ways. Just two weeks ago I declared I was making a commitment to write a blog post at least once a week. And yet, last week I produced no written words and this week is already half over. I was starting to get in my head about it; getting upset and angry at myself for not keeping and honoring the commitment of my declaration. I was starting to feel agitated, frustrated, and a little bashful; embarrassed. In all promised transparency, I was worried the creative well that seemed to be flowing so freely had suddenly dried up. I sat down more than once to write and stared at a screen of white with a blinking line impatiently ticking away the minutes. I had hoped to string together letters and words like a floral garland made on a cool summer day with freedom and ease. Instead, I found myself caged in barbwire; trapped deep in the womb of the earth.

It was a long week and I was exhausted. I had to keep reminding myself it is not yet winter for my soul.

For the empaths, we feel and we bleed the tears of others; although experience and healing will teach us to identify what belongs to others and what belongs to us. And it didn’t take me too long to realize I was feeling the confinement of the the twelve boys (ranging in age from 11 to 16) and their coach from The Wild Boars soccer team who had set out to explore the Tham Luang Nang Non cave system on June 23rd in Thailand and became trapped. I found myself feeling elated yesterday and crying in gratitude as all thirteen were rescued. More on this at a later date…

Last week I underwent some major upheaval in my personal life. As it does not pertain to me directly (although it was something I was directly affected by), I cannot disclose a lot of details. What I can say is that I was under a lot of stress and inner turmoil as everything seemed to erupt like a volcano –  lava destroying everything in its path – leaving behind a shadow of what was and what is outlined in dust and ash. I think it has to be one of the hardest things in life to watch people we love and care about self-destruct and self-sabotage without being able to “save” them. To witness their unconsciousness as they drown in victimhood; beat by the tides of life while blaming everyone and everything. I so badly want to pull them up, turn their boat around, and say, “YOU! Take hold of the wheel! You are in charge! You can change course at any time! You are responsible for your destiny! It’s a choice!! Do something!”

Yet, wisdom and grace tell us that their journey is their own. They may need the hard times in order to one day experience their own awakening and liberation of the soul. Spirit knows I did! What I can say with certainty is that they are starting to understand as their illusion is dissipating and the veil is being lifted. This week has been a 180 (for the better) and there are no words to describe all that I am feeling as they begin their long journey home; returning to their original innocence. Love (so much), Hope, Excitement, Joy, Pride (in them), Compassion, and Understanding.

On Friday, July 6th, I saw my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and had an appointment with my surgeon. Things didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped for…

The previous week I had an ultrasound and guided aspiration done. I was very confused when the RN called to let me know that while it showed faint “traces” of rare bacteria – there was not any bacteria currently growing. “Good news,” she said, “you don’t have an infection!” As you might imagine, I couldn’t wait to see my PCP and ask why, then, have I been on antibiotics for the last six months. Lucky then that he was the first one I saw.

“There is a cyst attached to your nipple that continues to get infected so these results don’t show the big picture. There isn’t a current infection because you’ve been on antibiotics for six months. However, that’s why whenever we try to get you off of them for a week here or there – everything flares again…” he explained. After about 30 more minutes of talking, he wished me the best stating I would primarily be working with the surgeon for my breast care from here on out. “I can’t tell you what to do,” he said in parting, “but if it were me – and because this has been a reoccurring problem since 2012/2013 – even coming back 3 years after undergoing two lumpectomies –  if it were me, I would ask him to take it out…”

“We absolutely want to do everything in our power to avoid surgery,” the Surgeon explained. “Because the cyst is attached to your nipple, essentially I would need to cut all the ducts around your nipple – which means your nipple would likely die. There is absolutely NO way to undergo another surgery without causing deformity.” Well, ok then, I guess maybe I’m not going to ask to have it removed as my PCP had suggested…

“We don’t know the underlying cause of the original mastitis in 2012/2013 other than you mysteriously began lactating. In reading your history and medical records and your issues with healing and having to go to the wound clinic for months after your last surgery – I can only hypothesize that maybe you never fully healed internally…” I’m pretty sure I sort of stopped listening at this point and only rejoined the conversation as he gave me my new instructions to follow over the next three weeks…

So while life has been throwing curve balls – I’ve been learning how receive with grace in the surrender. I’m realizing that all of life (or what we associate as good or bad) is meant to provide us with contrast. Not to get stuck in the yuck – but, rather, so that we can see with clarity what we want and desire. And while the New Moon in Cancer is almost here, I am doing my best to not get washed away in the emotion this New Moon brings. Instead, I will be working with the intuitive, caring, and nurturing aspects of the Crab during the times of introspection, reflection, and intention setting.  I know we’ve also all been feeling the effects of the last Full Strawberry Moon while five planets went into retrograde. Whew! Jupiter just went direct on the 10th of July, however, Mercury is about to go retrograde on July 26th!

Tomorrow, on the evening of July 12th, a solar eclipse in the zodiac sign of Cancer will kick off a series of potent eclipses. This eclipse is followed by a lunar eclipse on July 27th, and another solar eclipse on August 11th.  This is extremely rare for three eclipses to occur in sequence, and this combination spells an unusually dynamic, unpredictable and dramatic July and August. Not only do eclipses take the blinders off, and expose what is really going on, but eclipses demand change. They illuminate what is not working, and reveal the next evolutionary step, personally and collectively. (Hmmmm maybe I’m experiencing the eclipse early?!) Eclipses are all about facing our shadow and integrating (accepting and forgiving) our demons or the parts of ourselves we would rather reject and deny.

What does all of this mean? It means be gentle with yourself and others. Cultivate understanding, compassion, patience, and above all else – LOVE.

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